Tell the truth you never wanted me...tell me Ok, here goes the confessional of sorts. What makes me happy? The subtle things...the things I never talk about. In truth, I hide my happiness from others. I don't know why, so get that question out of your head. Seriously, I don't even know where to start. I got happy when I asked for attention and Chris dropped stuff to see a movie with me. I was happy when I found out that Andrea said she reads the blogs of people she loves. :-) I guess I don't let myself show the happiness because I'm jealous all the time. I'm jealous of everyone I know and everyone I see. What am I jealous of? I'm jealous of (in alphabetical order) Aaron's flair for being unique, and his ability to just draw people near him. I don't know how he seems to do it, but he's good at it. I'm jealous of Andrea's ability to be seemingly calm and knowledgeable. She's...earthly, I guess is the best way to say it. You are intelligent, wise, and somehow fucked up in ways that I feel like I almost understand. I'm jealous of Chris' humor, the way you hide things, and how everyone sees you as the good guy. You're a man's man, and I wish I could be as apathetic as you sometimes. I'm jealous of Jamison's innocence and strong convictions. I'm jealous of Kurt's "I don't give a shit" attitude. Yet they all find ways to call me a friend.

But I digress. What makes me happy? I'm happy when I have the house to myself. I'm happy when someone says hi to me before I can say hi to them. I'm happy when someone hugs me, or when I can tell they're flirting just a bit. I'm happy when someone recognizes me for who I am, and uses me as an end, not as a means to an end. See, above all, I feel used. "I am convenient, I am inconvenient." Here's an example. I have many moments when I like to be surrounded by people, just so I know that I'm alright. However, when I want something, Aaron is offline with Megan, Chris is out with Jaime or has schoolwork, Andrea comes up with a new life-changing sleeping pattern, and Jamison and Kurt can never really offer the solace I need. However, I am always convenient when Aaron is in Tucson, or when he needs tickets delivered to Phx, or when Chris is having girl problems, or when Andrea...when Andrea...I don't know when I'm convenient. You once said I made you feel ignored...well, now the tables are turned. I understand what you meant, and I'm sorry.

I'm tired of being convenient, but what do I do? Shut myself off from the world and have them crawl back? That won't work. No one will come looking for me. Do I tell them that I feel ignored or used? Aaron won't care and go about his usual pattern. Chris will most likely push himself away further, and Andrea will convince me otherwise. I'm easily swayed by you for some reason. And Chris, we aren't so much different from each other, and I wish I could thank you for that, but I can't. You're too distant after you confessed yourself that we were so much more similar than I had thought. Did I scare you? Did you scare yourself? I hope you find out for yourself. I'm tired of the games, to be honest.

So, as you are the best things to have happened to me, so are you the worst. Thanks to Aaron, I found a part of myself, thanks to Andrea, I feel a little more loved and in touch with humanity, and thanks to Chris, I laugh a lot more and feel understood. But I still feel distant from you all...now here is the question...am I doing it or are you?

and you've washed your hands clean of this. Ok, so I gave in and saw it again. I guess I'm addicted to the feeling I got from the first one. I wanted to feel in love again...though I don't know with who (hence the enigma). I caught myself smiling for about half of the whole movie, and I didn't know why. It felt good to smile for no reason. I wish I could do it more often, but I have a tendency to beat up on myself, to make things happen that aren't there. I guess I don't want to be myself, and that's why I have a movie collection. Each movie has a character that I identify with, that I wish I could play, or be, or replace. I would like that. I guess that's my revelation for the night/morning. How depressing. Twice I've stayed up just so I could watch a comic book movie. The saddest part--I won't tell anyone. Instead, I'll type it here in my little e-journal and keep it to myself, like so many other things that make me happy. Oh wait. New revelation. I should look into that. Only a select few have even paid attention to what makes me happy, and are comfortable enough around me to make me feel warm and........calm. Thanks, Andrea...whom I know now reads all of this. :)

I think I'll try to list out what makes me happy in my life. Undoubtedly it'll be the small things from my friends or my family. Oddly enough, it's nothing I do, but the small things around me that make me happy. A few things come to mind now. Yes, maybe tomorrow's post will be more of a confessional. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned...."

And damn you, Andrea, for making me get this, for telling me that I needed a way to get things out. *hug* Thanks.