Ok, so I was holding back and I'm tired of holding back. Want to know my ultimate feelings? I feel like I am being forgotten, much like Amy felt during the latter part of our dating. I feel like I am being replaced with an Xbox after having so much fun. I remember having Chris show up at work asking me when I get off so I could call him and we could hang out. Now it's like pulling teeth to get him to call me. If you're tired of me, or can't stand to be around me as much, please let me know so I can put some frustrations to rest. Everything is iffy to you, and even now I don't know where you stand and it bothers me. I can't stand it. If I'm disposable to you, I'm sorry. You're definitely not disposable to me. No one was, until I started to feel used by Aaron and ignored by Andrea. I don't want to add you to my list, Chris. I just don't. Tell me I'm wrong or right. I don't care with. Just give me an answer.

Or, in the off chance that it's you, I'm here to talk, here to listen, here to do what you need me to do. If it's our schedules, then I'm shit out of luck. That's something I can't do anything about. All I know now is that I feel another breakdown coming, and I want to do something that I can't speak of. I can hear Aaron's words now: "you're doing this to yourself" and ultimately, that doesn't help. It only drives the stake further and further. I want to end it...it being pain, life, friendship, I don't care. I need to know I have a support group, someone that I can rely on. So far I have none among those ranks, and it pisses me off. I don't know what else to do.

Save me from here So here I am waiting once again. Last night Chris said he'd call when he was home....or was that if he was home? I don't remember now and it's driving me crazy. I was hoping he'd stop at home at least once and give me a call. It's Friday night, I should have figured he'd have something to do. I should have figured that I'd be here waiting for him. Even Aaron had to work. This is pathetic, and my mind can't handle it. I let it torment myself, and I enter the vicious circle of self-hate and self-pity. The unanswered questions don't help either. I'd love to keep calling until I get ahold of him, but I won't. Instead, I'll think bad thoughts and continue to be "par for the course." If I can't get understanding from anyone, I'm gonna stop talking to them. I'm obsessing, I know. Why? Because I'm bored. Because I have no other friends. Because I feel out of touch with everyone. Well, that and Amy....

I saw her again last night, and everytime it affects me. I don't know why. I have my theories, but I have theories on everyone and everything. I don't still love her. At least I don't think I still love her. Maybe it's the fact that I'm watching someone I knew, someone I was close to move away into marriage, a transition I can't even make the 1st step to. Now my own past comes rearing its ugly head again...and I have to endure it. It'd be easier if I was out with someone, or even had someone besides this blog to talk to.

But I think back to the time when Chris actually read my blog and responded to it, and that was cool. I could share some of the problems after all. I just can't do it all the time. Or can I?

So why are you running away? Ok, this is gonna sound really stupid, but I kinda miss Chris. He just isn't there like he used to be, and we don't hang out like we used to. I miss having that.

I really hope this summer doesn't remain like it did today. If so, that means that I spend a day logged into the internet just for the hope of seeing a familiar name on AIM so I can chat or mud with them. It's kinda depressing, really. I'd call someone to see if I can join them, but the same voice that comes up with reasons that everyone doesn't like me tells me that I shouldn't call because if they had time for me, they'd have called. Am I fooling myself? Should I call or wait for someone to come get me? I'm confused on the issue, and I'd ask, but no one has been online for me to ask them. I hate irony...