The sum of all you've done will be the debt that you pay Once again I'm left in awe. He won't admit it, but he still has hope. I admire that. It's false hope, unless they really do end up together. In that case, I'm selling all of my comic books and cd's becoming a monk. Well, maybe I shouldn't say that...

On another note, I've been really happy lately. Life isn't too bad, and I've got a pal who seems to be on the same wavelength as me sometimes. We have the most fun when we just kick it and not force anything, which is just as well because Chris never forces anything. It pisses me off, but I'm trying to learn. However, as I always do, I grow attached. I hate being home alone. I'm hoping when I'm 21 some of that will change. At least for a little bit. We can go experiment at different places, club-hop, meet people, and even enjoy the people I couldn't go out with before. I feel the need, as I always have, to shed the person I am and become totally uninhibited, uncontrollable, and loose. I want a few days where I can do what I want, say what I want, and totally lose myself. What will it take for me to do this? I'm not sure. I've been talking about it for months now. I think I secretly want to do it with someone else, a close friend, a way to show that I'm not the bad person everyone thinks me to be. And I'm guessing from Aaron that he still thinks I'm the old me. What a pain in the ass.

What is it about me that makes me want to express myself, to let everyone know me for me? Why do I always feel lost and unseen? When will I finally feel that everyone sees the real me? Meditate on this, I will.