It's been so easy to convince myself to just give in. To give in to the pain and the thoughts. It's increasingly hard to ask for help. Many people are offering it to me, none of whom I want help from, and it's so easy to turn them down. I'm sick and tired of others worrying about me. I seemingly haven't been an integral part of their lives for years, and now they offer some kind of support. All I have to do is act like everything is okay and maybe they will all leave me alone and let me implode like I want to. It's so easy to just give up and give in.
Angrier songs have been ruling my cd and mp3 players. "Awake" by Godsmack and "Prayer" by Disturbed rank among the leading songs that I play and get energy out with. The only part is trying to slip away without some people noticing and with a few others really noticing. I want so badly to be a part of someone's life, but right now it goes back and forth and it's driving me man. I'm starting to think that maybe I should just cut that tie, also, and finally do what I want to do. It's easier to know you've lost an ex-boyfriend than a boyfriend, I suppose. I try to lie and say that I'm ok and don't really think about doing something to myself. It's too easy to just give in to the thoughts, and so far the easy route is all that I have time and energy for. I want to implode. They say it doesn't solve anything. I see it otherwise. I can't see it not answering some of my problems. If I'm not there, school can't get to me, work can't get to me, my friends' ridiculing couldn't get to me, and my lackluster love life can't get to me. I'm sick and tired of being torn down. I offer myself to everyone and I get nothing in return. I get concern, yet when I seem to be okay I'm up on the crucifix again, getting the jokes and insults thrown my way. That's not friendship. I don't know what it is. I keep going back because right now I'm still a little scared of myself. For the most part, I'm not really through with the cries for help. The right ears aren't listening, though. That's my fucking problem. Well, one of them.
As far as the other points, I'm at the point now where I don't want to go out with both Aaron and Chris. I get set up for too many jokes then. I'm not in the mindset to take that shit and be okay about it. I told him to either shut it or talk about it behind my back. Aaron asked me to turn around. What kept me from leaping over the table and beating him or from getting into my car and leaving them both there at the restaurant is beyond me. Maybe I'm more pathetic and more of a masochist than I thought. Right now I just know that it's so easy to give into the thoughts, to go through with the plans. God knows I'm always ready. I'm just waiting for the right moment.
Why do I still have hope?
