You could be mine, but you're way out of line Ok, I've been bored a lot lately, and if you've been following this at all, then you know what that means. Yup, that's right, I'm thinking too much again. I've got a few revelations I think I might start getting out now. I can't keep them locked in my head again.

(1) Ok, so I'm realizing that I'm attracted to anything that pays attention to me. Anything that notices me. It's led me down a dangerous road before that drew lines down a wierd friendship already. Sad to say, I never did learn my mistakes easily, as I could conceivably do it again.
Why am I like this? I'm lonely. Simple as that. Not one person in my life has really told me that I mattered to any of them. My own mother was ready to walk out on me a day after making great plans for my 13th birthday party. My dad paid more attention to the TV, his beer, and the computer than he did to me. I've moved enough times to affect my ability to make friends. I'm in constant fear of losing those around me. I'd tell them this, but sadly, they only affirm it. I hate you all for doing that. If you don't care, please don't feign interest. Just fucking tell me.

(2) I never had friends because I was smart. It's strange to realize this, but it's true. My teachers were more friendly to me than my classmates. I was never popular. I made an ass out of myself cuz I knew the answers when others didn't. I was teased in elementary school, which formed into my personality in middle school. I get more attention for being mean or being stupid than being smart. It stood me out of the people I wanted to be a part of. The only thing being smart got me into was competition, and I hate competition. It drives the worst out of me because I know I won't win, so I cheat, lie, steal, or other underhanded tricks.

(3) I was happiest in my freshman/sophomore year of college. Why? I had lots of friends. We formed tight-nit group that cared about each other. I felt like I had friends for the first time in my life, and as I think back on that, I hate what we've grown into. I've become contemptuous of those who used to be my friends for allowing us to fall apart. I had a girlfriend, best friends, someone to talk to, someone to have great discussions with, someone to laugh with, and someone to learn from. Never again. I've followed what my friends want me to be because I don't want to lose them, too. I've shunned the others because Chris doesn't feel very social at times. I've hated Kurt because everyone else finds him annoying. I've used Jamison because Chris had used others. I've learned to be hateful and insulting because Aaron got more attention that way. Through my friends I lost myself. But then, I don't know if I've ever known myself.

I don't want your pity. I don't want sympathy. I would like understanding, someone to read this and to know me, to know or, I know it's asking a lot, to bring it up to me and talk about it. I need to know it's ok to feel lik this. My friends don't talk about stuff like this. They never do and it makes me upset. I feel uncomfortable around them when I'm upset cuz I know I have to speak about it. But I cherish them more than I cherish my own well-being so I hold it in, until it explodes like it did today. I have no clue what's happening to me, but I wish it would stop soon.

Always the one who has to drag her down. Maybe you'll get what you want this time around Ok, so I'm having one of those days that seems like I can't fucking win anything. I play chess, I lose horribly. I inadvertently cause a stalemate when I tried to lose on purpose. I can't even lose correctly, I suppose. I also tried to play Age of Empire II and ended up getting slaughtered in the first 15 minutes of the game. And this brings about a pattern. I'm never the best. I'm second to everyone. Verticle Horizon put it best when, in "Shackles" the singer says "So tired now of paying my dues, I start out strong but then I always lose." I'm feeling that about now. Well, I've been feeling that for some time. I'm embarrased that I'm upset all the time, but I wish I could help it. I don't know what to do to curve the anger and animosity. The workout was supposed to do that. Instead I try to compete in that, too, and lose to Chris' competitive endurance. I play too many fucking mind games and can't seemingly stop. Lately it seems the only way I'd end that is if I was dead.

What's with the hopelessness and the pessimism? Perpetual boredom. I can't keep my mind occupied long enough. It runs faster than I can control it. I can't contain it in any way. I look to friends to help keep occupied but Andrea is somewhere...who knows where the hell she ever is, and I think Chris is bored with me. I'm useful as long as we're going to Vegas. We'll see what happens after that. I hope I'm wrong....

Wanna know a secret? The only time my mind slows down is when I take medication or drink alcohol. It's only then that I can keep it from racing, from being bored all the time. It's a frightening thought, because in the darkest pits of my mind, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being addicted to any of that. I don't know what to do, and the people I reach out to can't help me. I know that, and they seem to keep telling me in not so many words. What do I do then? Go get "professional help"? How embarrassing, tho I think I prolly could use it. And the worse part is, unless anyone reads this, I won't say anything. I won't tell anyone. It'll stay with me and on this page, because if I don't release it I know it'll stay in my head.

Well, that was farther and darker than I meant to go tonight. Oh well. I guess all I want is understanding, tho that's a lofty goal. What I want, I can't have cuz I don't surround myself with people who can give that to me. They're all great people, and truthfully, I'd rather be them than me anytime.

Oh, and just an update, I try playing hearts and can't even keep that up...what a depressing day.