Is it so wrong to want people to have time for me? Then why do I feel so bad about it?

I don't want to keep feeling this way, but no matter what I try, I can't seem to change it. Essentially, I'm feeling very disposable at the moment in all aspects of my life. Aaron doesn't need me around, sometimes he doesn't want me around. Andrea has her world now and I'm barely a part of it. Jamison has Kurt and work, and though he likes to try to get together with friends, he fails miserably. Morgan is seemingly link-dead. And Chris...well, I don't know. I know it's a lie, but in the darkest pits of my mind, I feel used. I feel like my car was reliable, his wasn't, so I was necessary to make it to Vegas. Did Chris have a good time because it was Las Vegas or because it was Las Vegas with a friend? I don't know what to think anymore concerning him. I hate myself, and don't even think I make good company. Chris is the closest to me right now, and he seems distant. He's not available for me when I want to talk about things. Quite frankly, no one is; or has expressed anything to the contrary. I'd love to know that someone would be around to listen, to just listen. I don't want advice, I don't want someone to solve my problems. Just an ear.

I think back, however, and I know I haven't been happy for quite some time. I don't know why, and everytime I try to reason it out, it becomes clear to me that it is beyond reason. Everything from Aaron, to Chris to my mother to Andrea has popped into my head, but I know the truth. It's me or something inside me. I think the time has finally come. I've gotta talk to my dad and let him know all of this. This clandestine shit isn't going to make me feel any better. I need to let him know that I need to see someone or something to help me with this. I feel like I don't have any other choice.

Yup, I've outlived my usefulness. I'm so very tired of this.

the voice inside says I'm gonna be alright One bad thing about road trips is the feeling of being used when we get back. My car was useful, I was useful. Now I'm not necessary. Now I'm not needed. Now I'm not wanted.

Would you believe if I said I'm tired of this... I never had great patience and I'm tired of waiting.