It'd odd that I come back to this blog only to see this last post was more than 3 years ago, when, once again, I find myself in the same situation I did then.
However, I have some things I need to say. This seems the best way to say it.
Judas, Tara, or whoever you are now,
No doubt you have found yourself with a boyfriend now. He used to be my boyfriend. I'm sure it all started when you started to listen to him speak about his family, his crying at the pain and pressure they have caused, and the pain of not knowing who you are because he was ripped from those he loved against his will.
See, I've heard these cries before. He started our relationship with them, he has ended our relationship several times over them. Now it's time it comes again...almost right on schedule. Don't see what I mean? Let me show you.
First, I know what you're thinking. This is the manipulative Gemini side of me coming out. I expect that. However, I don't intend to hurt you or hurt him. I merely have things to say so I can make my peace. The problem with Joey going off in his own direction each and every time, almost every year, is that he never speaks about it to me...at least until he comes running back. He will insist that we have nothing to talk about while he deftly keeps massive doors open, hides under cloaks, and generally builds a mystery that he never confesses to.
To that end, I'm merely claiming the closure I need, and in order to do that, I need to rid my mind of the pain and pressures he has brought onto me. And if you're going to bear his burden, you martyr crab you, you should know these things, too.
It started a few years ago on his 20th birthday. His cries to his mother that no one understood him except for me rang through his family. Sound familiar? This is how your relationship started, too.
Throughout our tenuous "loving" relationship, the pressures of family came time and time again. He would come to the conclusion that he wanted to reclaim what he had missed out on...a blood family. To this end, he decided that he would flirt with members of the opposite sex. This often included the drunken confession of his family history to these souls, too. Pity is his M.O.
Cassie, Carie, Georgette, and now you. See, you all have something in common besides this interesting security blanket and "means to an end" purpose.
About 5'7", long, dark hair (well, except Georgette), tomboyish, somewhat messy house, and generally a "don't mess with me" type of attitude, pale skin. Yes, they all had these personality traits. So do you. Doubt me? Ask him.
By the way, if they sound familiar, you've met someone else with this similar description: his mom. By now you should be realizing that his mother is the sole source of his problems. He never really had a mother, so he sought you out. You will be his substitute until you, too, go away.
What will become of that? I'm not sure.
See, as time ticks by, I get more and more chances to grow away from him. He will be alone again, and if you care for him, you should keep this in mind. I may be able to help him again, only time will tell.
As a Cancerian I no doubt believe that you want to take care of him, but that will be awkward when he decides to check out the same guys you do. When he wants to see the next Harry Potter movie because he is attracted to him as much as you are. When he jacks off to porn in which everyone has a penis....
My point is, I hope you realize what you are getting into. Damaged goods? Yes, he is, but I loved him for that, too. You once told me that "Maybe it was meant to be" because I had told you that I love him no matter what he does to himself, no matter what he looks like, and no matter what problems he has.
Your quote gave me strength.
Your betrayal gives me fear and hate.
By the way, he's never been one to turn down attention and has often cheated on me and those he cheated on me with, simply for attention or the long sought virtue of love. Even we were supposed to be long-term, but he decided that he found someone else to listen to his sob stories. The same stories that I have listened to, cried to, hated for the pain it brought him, wished I could erase from his memory, and the reason I wanted to take him to Seattle to help him forget. See, I was willing to stick it out and come back year after year for 4 years because of the love I had for him.
However, your part in this equation doesn't make sense, if you don't mind me saying. If anything, it cements your role as a Cancerian, but nothing else really makes sense. First, you are leaving soon within a little more than a month. Second, I honestly thought you were more attracted to me than to him. The things we had said and the things we had shared, the conversations we had and the whole world you had opened up to me were significant.
Truth be told, I had something different for you, too, but I stuck by him, and I am gay. I just loved having someone who seemed to be my more emotional twin around. There was a synergy that we had. Could that synergy have been corrupted by the sob stories of Joey? What happened to the way you used to look at me when I worked on your screenplay, or the way we used to work on tarot readings?
Yes, I've seen the looks, Tara.
So has he. That was one more reason he wanted you around. Jealousy. He wanted to make sure you saw him and only him.
I'm sure it's too late now, but don't be offended by what I have to say. They are all truths, and if you confront him with any of it, he will not speak about it and probably drown more sorrows in alcohol. See, he hates being analyzed because then he needs to face problems, and he can't do that. He's not one for dealing with problems so he finds people to do it for him...me, you, Carie, Cassie, Scott, Anthony, Andrew among the many people he's been with.
I've said most of what I can say without being around him to finish the rest. I hope he sees this on one hand, I hope he doesn't, on the other. I'm convinced he will only hate me further if he does see this. He doesn't realize how well I really do know him and how much I actually gave up to love him. At one time I gave up my friends to be with him. I gave up a promotion at Office Depot so I could be with him. I gave him a job at OfficeMax by getting him in touch with Donna and convincing him that he was better than he was at Office Depot. All of these things I have done for him out of love, he doesn't remember or doesn't care for. He takes what he can because he thinks he deserves it.
He's in pain, afterall...and that should mean he is the rightful heir to anything he wants.
I know you've seen this, too...
So I end this letter with hopes that you understand my frustrations, see the patterns, and realize the creature that is Joey. If history repeats itself, in 5 weeks he'll no doubt seek me out. Will I be here? I'm not sure. I have a lot of opportunities for transfers, out of state moving, and even remaining here and disappearing in Tucson. Time will tell now that I can do what I want.
Take care, Tara. You betrayed me in the worst way and for that I'm not sure I will forgive you, but you have shown me kindness in the past when I have messed up. Should the lines of communication open up, I'd like to extend that to you. Time will tell...
